The Gender Wars, Patriarchy and Matriarchy, and the Point We Keep Missing.

Anno 2026, the ‘Gender Wars’ are in full swing. Everywhere I look, people are tearing each other apart according to sex, gender and politics. And then there is me, a woman (that believes in reincarnation, and thus that I have been all of it) but above all a human being, sitting at the edge of all this noise. It seems that, somewhere along the way, we started forgetting that we are human beings first. The more I watch these discussions unfold, the more I notice how deeply wounded everyone really is beneath the anger, men and women alike. Most people are simply trying to survive in the same systems. Systems that no longer feel healthy, stable or human. And yet we keep getting pulled deeper into division. Endless arguments over who suffers more and who is the most privileged in a system that runs people dry in name of said privilege. We are collectively missing the point all-together. The question in these discussions is: who should win? But what if the real question is: what happens if we all win? No matter what side you are on: hear me out? In this article, I want to explore these ideas through archetypes and the traditional family dynamic, and slowly work toward the deeper point hidden underneath all of it. Please note that this article is not gender-neutral. I am convinced that we cannot resolve the broader issues surrounding discrimination and racism until we have this “monster” under control!

When I refer to patriarchy and matriarchy, I am mostly speaking about masculine and feminine dynamics becoming dominant within a culture. The roles we attach to men and women, and the expectations we place onto each other. In other words: I’m mostly referring to the generalized social expectations traditionally associated with men, women, and their roles within society. Toxic patriarchy vs toxic matriarchy *Toxic patriarchy is built around dominance and control; external, physical and institutional. What is central to and embodies toxic patriarchy? Control and overt coercion. The themes at its core are authoritarianism, strict hierarchy, and physical or legal force. In its worst case it is much like a dictatorship that demands submission and crushes dissent, it treats vulnerability as weakness. In this system women and children are treated as possessions rather than human beings. Anyone even slightly different is seen as a burden, resources are hoarded and given to those at the top, the environment is exploited through endless conquest and men who do not conform and bow down to this way of living are pushed aside and ridiculed. Leadership is upheld through fear and violence. At its best men gain some collective privilege as a bargain. They get an obedient wife, a handful of obedient kids and just enough bread and play to stop them from questioning the system (and their own lack of true fulfilment) too much. Not seeing and realising that they too are bowing down to the rich and debauched, like trained dogs to their owner. Even the men who benefit from this system are often trapped inside it. Over time, conquest, fear, status and power become more important than connection, wisdom and love. *Toxic matriarchy relies on emotional, psychological, and social dependency to maintain control. What is central to and embodies toxic matriarchy? Manipulation, dependency, and covert coercion. Rather than ruling through force or hierarchy, it maintains power through emotional pressure, social punishment, and the fear of rejection or exclusion.

In its worst case it uses psychological and social warfare to keep people in line. The mechanisms of control are shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, relational and moral manipulation and sabotage, public humiliation and a massive dependency on the system. The central dynamic becomes entanglement and infantilization: people would be discouraged from becoming fully independent, self-defining, or emotionally self-sufficient. The big theme here is that victimhood is rewarded (see how this is also the reply to toxic patriarchy and vice versa?) and can become a form of social currency, while personal accountability is replaced by emotional leverage and collective moral pressure.

Children would be emotionally overprotected and psychologically unprepared for autonomy. Leaving the ‘nest’, whether emotionally, ideologically, or socially, would be treated as betrayal rather than growth. Men would be reduced to passive utilities expected to provide labour, validation, or protection without emotional agency of their own. Look at how these themes are already popping up in the sex/gender discussions as a reply to what is currently happening.

Conflict would rarely appear openly. Instead, it would emerge through gossip, social shunning, reputational destruction, exclusion from the group, and covert manipulation. Dissent is then crushed through emotional isolation and psychological exhaustion. At its best people gain a comfortable home, emotional reassurance, and the promise that someone else will always think, feel, and decide for you so you are unburdened by big life choices. Women will get a passive husband and children that will always need mum’s approval. So now some people turn back to ‘traditional family values’ or the opposite of it when considering whether its masculine or feminine energy leading... in its most positive sense... as the solution. A solution that is supposed to lie in the divine patriarchy or the divine matriarchy. Always one or the other! For reference: When I say “divine”, I mean the healthiest and most integrated expression of these archetypes on all levels of existence. They are rooted in love, security, and the desire to see the community thrive. Divine patriarchy vs divine matriarchy *Divine patriarchy is all about the archetypes of the Wise King and the Protector. It embodies the energy of structure, order, and purposeful action in the ‘external world’. The masculine energy would be the grounding thing here. At its core, leadership is meant to protect, provide and to build a safe perimeter in which society can thrive. Leadership would be understood as stewardship rather than ownership, and power and strength would be carried as responsibility. The head of the system and men in general would become the stabilizing force that provides emotional regulation, healthy dependability and accountability and they would be willing to sacrifice personal comfort for the well-being of the community. We would have clear boundaries and justice would be served consistently, people would be encouraged to become capable and sovereign. There would be a big focus on building a legacy for the next generations to come. In family life children would be guided toward resilience and independence, women would be respected as equal contributors to the health and direction of the household, and leadership would emerge through earned trust. We would have a dependable father, a respected and empowered mother, and children raised with both discipline and emotional security so they can eventually stand confidently on their own. *Divine matriarchy is all about the archetypes of the Sovereign Queen and The Nurturer. It embodies the energy of creation, intuition, and holistic connection in the ‘internal world’.

The feminine energy would be the grounding thing here. At its core, leadership is meant to nurture life, foster community and maintain the emotional harmony of society. Leadership would be understood as caretaking, and emotional intelligence and influence would be carried with wisdom and responsibility. The heart of the system and women in general would become the stabilizing emotional force that fosters connection, empathy, healing, and communal trust.

The focus would be on the quality of life itself: emotional well-being, belonging, creativity, culture, human connection, and harmony with mother nature and one another. People would be encouraged to remain deeply connected to themselves, their communities, and the emotional consequences of their actions. There would be a strong emphasis on preserving relationships, sustaining life, and creating environments in which people feel safe to grow authentically.

In family life, children would be guided toward emotional intelligence, compassion, and healthy self-worth. Men would be respected as equal contributors to the protection and direction of the household, and leadership would emerge through empathy, trust, and mutual understanding. We would have a nurturing and emotionally supporting mother, a respected and emotionally present father, and children raised with both unconditional love and healthy boundaries so they can eventually become secure, connected, and emotionally sovereign individuals. The shadow side to the virtues of the divine archetypes

Because we are talking about human beings and not the divine in and of itself, there is also a potential shadow side to these virtues that eventually lead to burnout and potentially lead to the toxic expressions I mentioned before. Even healthy patriarchal leadership carries its own dangers when taken to extremes. A man taught that his value lies entirely in protecting and providing may sacrifice his emotional well-being, suppress vulnerability, and carry the weight of everyone else’s survival alone. In this case, duty can slowly turn into martyrdom. Leadership could become isolation where the protector feels unable to rest, ask for help, or admit weakness without failing those who depend on him. Over time, self-sacrifice hardens into emotional exhaustion, burnout, resentment, or silent despair. At a family level, this can create a father who gives everything materially yet becomes emotionally absent from his own life, loved more for what he provides than for who he is. The shadow side to the virtues of a healthy matriarchy would be that a woman is taught that her value lies entirely in nurturing, healing, and emotionally sustaining others may slowly lose connection to her own needs, desires, and individuality. In this case, care can gradually turn into self-erasure. The nurturer feels responsible for everyone’s emotional well-being and struggles to allow others to fail, separate, or grow through hardship on their own. Love becomes entangled with overprotection and the desire to preserve harmony may also suppress necessary conflict, honesty, or individuation within the family or community. At a family level, this can create a mother who gives endlessly yet loses herself in the process; loved for how much she carries, but rarely seen for who she is beyond the role of caregiver. She might struggle to let others fail, leave or grow beyond the core family. We are only human! The solution The point here is that there is a third option! This is Divine Unity (and leads to the Divine Trinity when the Divine spark is present), grounded in mutual trust and responsibility. Giving everyone the support they need to keep thriving. Divine Unity follows when the healthiest aspects of both masculine and feminine exist in balance with, and in support of, each other. No society can thrive through structure or nurture alone. Stability without empathy becomes tyranny, while empathy without structure can dissolve into chaos, dependency, or stagnation.

A society practicing Divine Unity understands that strength and compassion are necessary counterparts. Protection without love becomes control, love without boundaries becomes suffocation. A healthy civilization requires both the ability to build and the ability to heal, both accountability and understanding, both sovereignty and connection.

In this case leadership is rooted in mutual stewardship. Masculine and feminine energies are viewed as complementary human capacities that can exist within every individual and every system. People are encouraged to work on both resilience and emotional intelligence, both disciplined action and deep empathy.

The goal is to reach and embody the full potential of the collective.

In family life, it creates a home where neither parent rules over the other, nor loses themselves entirely in service to the family. Both parents, regardless of sex/gender, become active participants in protection, nurturing, emotional guidance, and decision-making. Children are raised to survive what life has to offer while understanding themselves, thinking critically, forming healthy relationships, and growing into sovereign, compassionate adults. At its core, Divine Unity is the understanding that healthy societies are built through the integration and balance of masculine and feminine forces. This is Yin and Yang, the Tree of Life, etc... This is exactly what sacred texts are pointing to in their most basic meaning.

A side note here is that I also believe that these aspects, masculine and feminine, live in all of us in some shape or form, and that we need both in balance to be complete. We all need each other, we all need to support each other. Most men and women are not trying to dominate one another. They are acting from pain and fear and are trying to survive. They’re trying to protect the people they care about while carrying wounds they often do not fully understand themselves. The discussion, in its current state, is a massive distraction from where we should be heading, and the fears on both sides are very real. But so is the division keeping us locked inside these patterns; while we endlessly fight one another, we stop asking bigger questions. We stop building something healthier together. And that is exactly what keeps these patterns alive. So start listening to and supporting each other. Because we all suffer from the toxic versions of these systems, regardless of the privilege given in return.